I just got back from grocery-shopping. Picked up some organic red kale, a $6 bag of soup, and some lactose-free 2% milk. None of us are lactose-intolerant here, but for some reason, the lactose-free version was cheaper than the regular lactoseful kind. I guess it’s because you’re not paying for all those lactoses.

As I was nearing the end of the supermarket funnel, about to be spat out into cashier alley, I was met by the bountiful fresh harvest of autumn fashions that are sold at this particular grocery chain. I’m not going to mention them by name because they don’t need no free advertising.

The rich colours, plush fabrics, inviting knits, warm wraps in fall hues — they were calling to me hard times: “Come! Come! Come suckle at our cinnamon and pumpkin-spiced cozy autumnal teat!” But I resisted. I looked upon the other women (only women) pawing through the merch, and I thought, you poor unwitting prey.


The merchandising model behind this stuff is pretty bloody brilliant. Here’s why: you get to the end of your food re-supply journey, having been subjected to such heart-rending choices as “Light? Lite? No-fat? 0%, 1%, 2%, HOMO? Low-carb, half-sugar, sweetened with sucralose, Nutrasweet, stevia, baby seal tears? Free-run, caged, caged but smiled upon by wholesome-looking farmers? Prepared foods, prepared and ready to heat, frozen and ready to defrost, already chewed, to be sucked up with a straw, handy digested pill form ready to be plopped into the terlet?” And be honest, you’re a little bit depressed after it all. You’re feeling MAN DOWN!

How about a little pick-me-up, honey? You deserve it, sweetheart. Go on. You can get a pair of flip-flops for $2.99. Less than $3! That’s less than that piece of dyed meat you bought back in the butchery section, so go on. How about a dark teal-coloured faux snakeskin thin belt? It’s thin, so it’ll make you look thin. You know what would look fab with that belt? If you cinched it around that heather grey cable knit poncho thingy. Why not? You’d never have thought about it before, but according to the beauty rags, accessorizing is the answer to all your life’s questions. It’ll make that hair on your upper lip (let’s be frank – it’s a moustache) suck right back into your pores, it will. And so now you’ve got something on top, you can’t very well go without buying something for the bottom half of you, can you? That would be ridick – simply ridick. A skinny cropped pant (singular ‘pant’, no less) will balance off that chunky sweater perfectly AAANNNND it’ll make your legs grow about 3 inches — promise! And of course we don’t expect you to wear the flip-flops with that fab outfit — we’ve got shoes! The quintessential purr-fect shoes. They’re driving moccasins, in fact. Do you drive? Then you need driving moccasins. I don’t know how you’ve been able to drive without them, to be honest.

There. Feel better? Good. All right, you’ve added over $100 to your grocery bill, but it was totally worth it. And you really really deserved it and it made shopping for food for your family all the more enjoyable, right? Don’t you just love shopping here? Doesn’t it leave you with such an amazing feeling? Will you remember that feeling the next time you’re out of milk? YES!!!

Sheer, unadulterated, 100% brilliant.

Originally posted August 21, 2012


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