How to be less productive in 2015

I would have written this post sooner, but I was off doing even less important things.

There’s a lot written about how to accomplish more these days. Suggestions include waking up a couple hours earlier, writing a list of all the tasks you aim to complete that day, eating a healthy breakfast, and taking a short afternoon nap. But no one is explaining how to stand in the way of yourself by spending lots of time on wasteful activities. Here, I will attempt to fill that gap.

Coincidentally, the first step to wasting your life away is actually similar to one of the techniques on how to get more done: compile a list. Whether mentally or by actually getting it down on paper or screen (if you’re feeling up to it), write all the things that you want to get done that day. Think about why they are important and order them in a way so that the most important are at the top. Step 2: go out of your way to do anything other than what is on that list. The list serves to let you know what to avoid. If throughout your day you find yourself starting to tackle one of the items on your list, allow yourself to stay with it for a maximum of 10 minutes, then quickly switch to something else. Flipping between the list and something else and back again will further mislead you and kill time as you struggle to gather and re-gather your thoughts each time, so keep doing that.

Here are some suggestions of things on which you may focus instead of your list items. There is no particular order to these activities, but you’ll find that a natural progression will start to develop that will lead you from one thing to the next. That is how you know you’re doing this right; the deeper into a state of unproductivity you fall, the easier it will be to accept inattentiveness into your life.

Things to Do Instead of Doing What You’re Supposed To Do

• Go on Facebook. Read all posts. Like each one. Comment on each one. Like each comment. Explore each hashtag. Repeat previous steps for liking and commenting. Definitely visit the trending articles.

 

• Look up ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. View all photos. If current partner of ex is identified, click through on his/her profile and view all photos and preferences, passing judgments and comparing your hairstyles, face symmetry, and hip-to-waist ratio. Note any similarities and draw conclusions as to how your past relationship may have influenced those preferences. Advanced: look up your mother’s ex on Facebook. Scour through her photos for family portraits. Wonder if your ex was thinking of you when that photo was taken.

 

• Open YouTube. Type search term “funny”, “cute”, “touching”, or “amazing” and allow the search field to complete your search with suggestions. After watching one video, look to the right for the signposts that will direct you to an infinite vortex of video content. Alternate: look up any pop song and spend the length of the playback, plus the the time it takes to play at least 5 related videos wishing your legs were as long as, your arms as sculpted as, your buttocks as pert as the star of the video. Place video on repeat to learn the lyrics and dance steps of songs while performing it for your pets and giving yourself come hither looks in the reflection of the microwave oven. Succumb to your salacious glances and take a nap on the couch. Sleep as long as your body and mind desire. If you wake up feeling groggy, this means that you should sleep more.

 

• Look up recipes that make use of ingredients you have at your disposal. Plan a dinner party. Imagine a movie star somehow hearing about your dinner party and coming over. You hit it off and he ends up staying after everyone else has left to help you clean up. You talk the night away and fall asleep in each other’s arms (fully-clothed – he wants to take it slow) and in the morning he suggests flying to London for scones. Baked by his personal chef. Who is Jamie Oliver. At his country estate. Where it is always summer. Forget cooking and eat a bag of chips.

These are but a few suggestions on how to waste your time and thwart productivity. Please share yours as I’m always looking for new ways to elude success. Godslowness to us all!